My back aches and I have so much tension in my shoulders and neck that I can’t lift my arms up. My head is going to explode, I’m super naseous, and every single time that I stand I almost blackout. Frankie is being a little devil, but at least she isn’t barking or biting me.
On the bright side, I called the HR department to ask about refiling the paperwork for worker’s comp and the man who helped me got everything worked out. I don’t have to pay a cent. Thank goodness!
I have spent a lot of this deployment thoroughly confirming that I was weak and dependent and a lot of things that I never wanted to be. I hated everyone for trying to tell me I was strong and they were proud of me because, in my eyes, I was failing my husband, my marriage, and myself on so many levels. I was angry at everything and everyone and to me that meant I was weak.
I have begun to rethink this mindset.
If my husband does by slim chance get any leave I want to go home - just for a few days. He said he didn’t want to go anywhere or deal with his family, and I’m willing to “take the fall” for that where his family is concerned, but he has never met my family. My entire family is so understanding about him not getting leave and all, but they’ve never met him and I know that bothers them. I’ve met his entire family and he’s only met my immediate family (best friends in high school with both my older brother and I). I think that if we don’t tell his family. My grandpa is coming out in December and then my parents are trying to come out for Christmas. If we fly back with my parents and stay in Seattle through New Year’s he can meet at least half of my family… They all congregate on the holidays and everyone has been really distant and I think they would all come together for me…. I know they would. Maybe.
I don’t know, I’m rambling. I just want to see home for a bit. I’ve spent four days in Washington in the last seven years. That is not enough time. I haven’t seen my cousins in ages and they’re the family I’m closest with. ): Besides, my grandma’s health is failing and it is VERY important to me that he meets her.
I feel guilty a lot about how little we actually made off of this deployment, but then I look around our house, the one I made a home, and I am just proud. Yea, I could have spent less on going out for food and on movies and books, but I hope my husband will understand. I try and I try and I have so much learning to do. It’s just very hard. I dunno. I like my house though.
It is a new doctor and I only set up an appointment to get onto some form of birth control. As I was a new patient I expected paperwork and a short Q and A with a technician and, for all intents and purposes, that is what I did. The different thing about this doctor was that not only was she amazing, but so were her nurses, and everyone was extremely kind, attentive, and willing to listen to get me the best care possible. While discussing different birth control options I was explaining my tendency for mood swings and such when my doctor asked me if I knew about PMDD. Now, I was diagnosed with PMDD some years ago when I was first put on birth control which was the reason I went on Yaz. Within two months of being on Yaz my entire personality altered. I went from being extremely bitchy and harsh and snappy all of the time to being the fun loving, happy-go-lucky Brianna that I have been for the last few years. I actually forgot what I was like before and that was a mistake. So my doctor asked me a bunch of questions about my moods and mood swings and general outlook on life (etc etc), and wound up with a very concerned look on her face and a diagnoses for depression.
I assumed this whole time that I was just not coping with the deployment and that was why I was behaving so strangely and freaking out all of the time. I never once considered that this was a reaction to going off of my birth control. On the one hand it is very nice to know what’s been going on, but the bad news is that, for personal reasons, I refuse to take anti-depressants and I cannot take estrogen based birth control (yay high stroke rates for migraine sufferers). So I was given a series of very simple tasks to do every day until I can get on some medication and hopefully get rid of this:
1. Get some (sunscreen-wearing) time in the sunshine.
2. For every bad thing that “happens” think of two good things.
3. Sleep. Sleep. And sleep.
I sincerely hope this helps. I’ve alienated myself from everyone and it is very hard staying positive, but I have to try. I cannot live this way - I just can’t. I do not want to cave and take drugs because I am a firm believer in avoiding medication whenever it is not necessary, but if that is what I need to be healthy than it is what I need.
